Pocket Salt
by Write0rDie
Summary: The Doctor has lost his ride. And there's a spot of a bother with the local flora. [Twelve & Bill]


"I'm sure I left her right here."

The Doctor slowly turned in a circle with a look of complete bewilderment on his face.

"You said that an hour ago," Bill replied. "Look, it's the same tree with the nobbly bit."

She pointed to a large tree trunk with a strange looking knot.

The Doctor gave her a look that seemed to conceed she was right. They had been trudging around the jungle for hours and now they were back to where they started.

The jungle was incredibly dense and a mass of tumbling vines and tendrils wound up through the trees in search of sunlight.

"Admit it," Bill teased. "You've lost your ride. It's been towed or something."

The Doctor ignored her and continued scanning the area.

She appeared at his shoulder. "Let me guess. Unpaid parking tickets?"

"Bill, please. Not now."

The cloister bell sounded. The TARDIS was close; so close he suddenly felt quite stupid for missing it.

"Of course!"

They both looked up to find the TARDIS suspended in the tree tops by a net of thick vines.

"How on earth are we going to get it down?" Bill asked.

There was a sudden rustling from the forest floor. The piles of leaves shifted as something slithered beneath them.

"I don't think that's our immediate concern," he said.

Bill felt something curl around her ankle. She looked down just in time to see a vine curling up around her shin.

* * *

The world was spinning. Actually to be more precise it was Bill that was doing the spinning.

She opened her eyes to a blur of green. Lots of green and a flash of grey.

The spinning slowed and a face came into view with curly grey hair standing up on end.

"Oh, hello there," said The Doctor.

It was then that Bill realised the ground was up instead of down, and they were both hanging by their legs. The Doctor looked flustered but fine.

"You missed all the fun!" he said. "We just played conkers with our own heads!" He felt a lump forming at the back of his skull. "By the way, I think you might have won that round."

"How long was I out?"

"Oh, ages." He flapped his arms around. "I got bored. Started talking to the plants."

"And what did they talk about?" she asked.

"Lunch, actually."

He pulled a salt shaker out of his pocket and started to spill the contents out all over his companion.

"I'm afraid we're being slowly digested."

A small creeper came out of nowhere and attached itself to the Doctor's neck with a tiny green sucker.

Bill felt something brush against her face. Her eyes widened.

"Your skin's probably already tingling," he explained. "Those are the enzymes; the first phase of digestion, a bit like saliva. Then the creepers will go for the gooey centre."

He grinned madly and tapped the salt shaker.

"Gooey what?!"

"Don't worry," he said. "We've got plenty of time."

"Then why are you seasoning me?"

"Ever poured salt on a leech?" he asked. "It's a repellent. Very effective, and a bit cruel. Fortunately it also works on carnivorious plants."

The suckers began to loosen from their skin and fall away. Bill breathed a sigh of relief.

* * *

The Doctor sat on a stair in the console room. Bill perched behind him holding an ice pack to the back of his head.

She removed the ice pack just for a moment. "You have a huge lump on your head. Sorry about that."

"I appreciate your concern, Bill," The Doctor said. "No wait. I don't actually."

The Doctor pushed himself up from the stairs. He rubbed his hands through his hair, shaking the excess salt out.

"On some planets, a hard skull is a highly desirable feature," he said. "I'll pick one! We can go there next. They might even make you their queen!"

Bill laughed and threw the ice pack aside. "Queen Bill. I like the sound of that."

"Queen Bill of the Unbreakable Cranium!"

"Well, this queen needs a bath first," she said, sniffing at her t-shirt.

"Yes, I was going to suggest that. Come on." He offered his hand.

"Do aliens even have baths?" she asked as he pulled her up. "Or do you have sonic showers like on Star Trek?"

"Actually we don't bathe, we just shed our skin and leave it around in piles on the floor."

"You're kidding?"

"Of course I'm kidding. Come on."


End file.
